Tanatologist, lecturer, business coach and psychotherapist
• I have always maintained that it is not enough to love, but also to know how to love. Much has already been said about what can be done to improve a relationship or keep it healthy and stable, but today we are going to see three things that we could stop doing as soon as possible, if we want to avoid suffocating our relationship and let it die.
Why would a relationship suffocate?
• For the same reason why it would happen to a person. For tightening your neck too much.
I do not feel the suffocation; I just ask the “normal”
• That is part of the problem. That culture has permeated in us and we stop questioning it. We allow culture to influence us as if we cannot influence culture.
• We stop using critical thinking because we find it comfortable to follow learned patterns without questioning them, much less changing them, especially when they favor us.
What are those 3 ways to suffocate a relationship?
1. To demand as an obligation what is done out of love
• At the beginning of the relationship we do what we are born to do, first to conquer and then to transmit love.
• As relationships evolve, some things will stop being done (for example, going out to dinner every weekend at a parent restaurant) and some others will be modified (maybe before I went with you to unveil you watching TV, but I found myself much and today I’m going to bed a little earlier).
• When what is done to transmit interest and love loses its effectiveness (that is to obtain reciprocity), the interest is lost in continuing to do the same.
• This becomes even more serious when the other makes me see that it is an obligation that I started doing for love or good will to help.
• We went out to dinner frequently to expensive restaurants, now he hopes that we will always go to those.
• I really enjoyed having the house nice for him, now he thinks it’s my duty to do all the housework.
• And it is not a question of not doing what is born to you (not malacostumbrar the other) or do what you no longer want to feel the obligation, but to make clear the reason why something is done and reach new agreements and limits on how to distribute responsibilities in the relationship.
• I call you because I love you, not because you tell me to call you.
• I want to put them like your photos because I like them and because at that moment I am born and I do not want to feel that now I must put like each one so that you do not think that I do not love you.
• I started preparing dinner because I like that you relax because I love you, but now it bothers me that you think it’s my obligation when you know that I work too and I feel tired just like you.
2. Your blind spots
• Like when driving a car, we look ahead, but we must also watch over many other variables, including looking at the mirrors from time to time.
• We all have blind spots and it is easier to look at and criticize what the “other” does to us than to take our own shortcomings. When we are not aware of our blind spots we find no explanation for the attitude of our partner and then we become the enemy that hates us or less no longer loves us.
• Without looking at our blind spots it is very easy to become tough judges and be very critical of our partner’s “unexplained” attitudes. We begin to make the small thing big, we always put the magnifying glass in its defects and we reproach that it treats us badly or we try to make him change based on scolding’s and moralizations as if it were a son to educate.
• Think that a percentage of the problems that are currently in your relationship are initiated or maintained by you. If you do not think about 50% -50%; we think you have 15% or 20.
What do you identify?
Reflect if your partner has any of the following behaviors or attitudes if you are not contributing to them:
Ask yourself if you have not taken a victim role, passive aggression or feel resentment towards your partner for something and you do not say it, but you act it.
Think about whether you have treated him in any way with little respect, humiliated him in some way or without saying you think he is a silly or worthless person.
Czech if you have not behaved yourself sometimes even asking to be heard, heed and accept your agreements without reciprocity. It is necessary for everyone to assume their share of responsibility and ask for forgiveness, and forgive themselves, for what they may have hurt.
3. Expect a relationship to make you happy or heal your wounds
• A relationship is to share the well-being in you, not to suck the well-being of another (and worse is that even with that you end up being ok). To demand or attribute your happiness or well-being to another is to become a passive agent who leaves in the hands of another he must take personally and actively.
A relationship is not a lifeline that comes to rescue you from your anxiety, depression or your impulsivity.
• If your well-being or mental health depends on someone else being with you, and whoever you are you want to be, it is almost a conviction to enter into a relationship with you because you will never allow anyone to leave you.
• This is by way of direct threat or emotional blackmail.
• If you are not a relatively stable person emotionally and fully personal, you can do much harm to anyone who makes the mistake of falling in love with you. Of course we all have the right to fall in love when we feel like it and to let others do it, but remember that it does not just about love, but about knowing how to love.
• Finally, if you are a “high maintenance” person, it is best that you get an alienated person who gives you worship, hire unconditional servants to whom you pay them a good salary for holding you or that the maintenance you need same.
What to do?
• Increase intentional gratitude toward what your partner does for more everyday you see. In a relationship they reach agreements for coexistence, not to establish obligations as a requirement to be loved.
• Learn to ask for forgiveness appropriately, without justification, and to set clear boundaries that they both respect. The best relationships coexist under clear boundary schemes.
• Try to foster empathy for each other (put yourself in place) and reciprocity between the two (life is not only receiving what you think you deserve, but also giving for the other to continue to be).
• Make yourself responsible for your mental health. Stop looking for couple’s therapy and seek individual help to learn to intimate more deeply and efficiently with another human being.