Thanatologist, lecturer, business coach, psychotherapist
• With this program we closed the trilogy of “destructive loves”.
• We already talked about the hedonistic adaptation, after 3 ways of suffocating your relationship and today it touches on the topic of a frightening phenomenon. The Trojan horse of love that is not what it seems and that turns out to be very destructive. The “Love Bombing” or bombardment of love.
• A pump is always a pump, even chocolate. Or as I usually say, “too much of something, it will always be too much”. Let’s go together to explore what this is, if you have it, you have suffered or able to even apply it.
What is Love bombing?
• It is a pattern of behavior that consists of bombarding a person with demonstrations of affection or false promises with the intention of influencing and manipulating another person.
• It is a term that began to be used to describe the activity of some sects in the USA in the 70’s. Today it has been extended to couple relationships.
Is it always bad?
• With the intention of taking advantage of the other is very toxic. It is a form of manipulation and this requires that there be a manipulator and a manipulation. A healthy relationship cannot occur under this premise, even when the roles could be interchangeable.
Because it happens?
What the other does
• It is often a narcissist who usually does this.
• Everything he sees as a transaction where he gives something to reach his ends.
• It is a very unhealthy way to love.
How do you collaborate without wanting?
• You identify with what you know
• And if your relationships with your parents were of poor limits (where your parents regularly did not respect your limits) or you’re past relationships have been of this type, you are looking for similar relationships in order to repair that past looking to fix this present.
• A manipulative relationship is “comfortable” and easy to find because it is what you know.
• In the name of civility, patience and love you try to understand others, be patient and even seek to “repair” them with your love and understanding.
• The reality is that you have started to be too empathetic outward and too little inward with yourself.
• Do what you do, forgive them with great ease. It’s enough that I throw you one or two of your love bombs so that you can fold your hands again.
You are very afraid or in great need
• When you fear abandonment you stop setting limits to the other because you think that if you put them on they will go away.
• But why do you want someone who does not value or respect you to stay with you?
• When you have a great need for love, you are more likely to idealize the other and stop seeing the danger or unusual signs that tell you something is “too good to be true”.
How do we recognize it?
Everything is going very fast
• Too fast to be true.
• He tells you that he wants everything with you and he already wants it because you are the most wonderful person that exists, that they are twin souls that have finally reunited and that they should not separate.
• Without knowing you can even tell you that you are a good mother for children who do not yet have, when you barely met half an hour ago.
It gives you full hands, but demands reciprocity with interests
• It can give you a gift, love, messages all day and many promises without a future that seem real, if you let yourself be carried away by the fantasy of romantic love. It tells you what you want to hear.
• It is true that healthy love needs reciprocity to develop, but not from the demand or from obedience or renunciation of one’s will.
• What he asks in return is that he is your world and you are at his disposal without there being anything or anyone else to distract your attention.
It does not even idealize you; it’s how it is because it is what it knows how to do
• Many people to idealize the other genuinely are attracted and want to please or pay tribute to a being they see as perfect.
• In this case the other does not care much and he only does what he knows how to enter into a relationship where you no longer have an exit.
• That will make you believe that for him, you have no defect.
It changes very quickly and is extreme
• As fast as he put the world at your feet today he tells you that you are here to serve him.
• As soon as you give a sample of reciprocity (and if you are a healthy person you will give it), let’s say that you are already “in the pot”.
• Accuses you of ingratitude, selfishness and stupidity by not knowing “what you are losing”
• If you go out with friends, have fun in their absence or give them some sign of independence, they will tell you that you are the worst when they do not know how to value their love and what it gives you.
What effects does it produce?
It is addictive
• In addition to the bombs of pseudo love with which they invade your emotional territory, your brain is flooded with dopamine bombs as in an addiction.
• Worse yet because this behavior is developed under the modality of “variable reinforcement” that makes it even more addictive (win, lose, win, lose although in the end you lose more than you earn).
It produces a traumatic experience
• You begin to think that all relationships are like this.
You blame yourself
• You believe that your relationships fail because something bad you do (although what you do wrong is not to put limits on time).
• And then you can even beg for the other to forgive you so that he can return to your side, swore that now you will know how to value his “love”.
It makes you feel devalued and used
• Then in a macabre way you can start to feel very angry with yourself for having allowed so much. You may even think that you do not love yourself, which is generally false.
• Even your standards in the future may be even lower.
What to do?
• That the wonderful person who once was never existed. This one that manipulates you, that demands you and makes you feel humiliated is really with whom you are relating to. The rest is a mask.
Stop punishing yourself for entering into relationships like this
• What you most need when leaving a relationship of manipulation is understanding, patience and a safe space to heal your wounds. Be gentle with yourself but do not stop thinking that something different you have to do to learn new ways of relating.
Take it easy
• There is nothing wrong with feeling immediate love for someone, but relationships need time to build. If something goes very fast it can be very attractive, but the speed will prevent you from realizing where you are going (or are taking you) really.
• Let them spend at least a few months before making radical decisions such as getting married or going to live with someone in such a “hurry to love you”.
• Use your critical thinking, take a step back and ask yourself questions about how real this may be.
• As one who watches a mirage in the desert and makes sure that what is to be taken away is fresh water and not hot sand.
If the actions do not agree with the words, believe more in the actions and less in the words.