Since childhood I have always looked at couples with certain strangeness. I do not know why, but something inside me told me that this was not for me. I do not lie to you. Already in school, when girls and boys begin to say that they like so-and-so or little boy and play to imagine that they have a boyfriend, I felt out of place.
Was that a sign that the word ‘ single’ would be installed in my future to not leave me forever that they say in fairy tales ?.
I remember starting high school, at the age of 14, overwhelming me very much for not having yet had a boyfriend. I liked boys, I had no doubt about that, but I watched the way my schoolmates behaved with them and it was not the way I did it at all. When Juan approached me, the one who would later be my first (and last) boyfriend, I had to run away. My pulse increased, I became red, I could not say two sentences in a row … “Do not you know how to flirt?” My best friend told me.
The ritual of courtship has never been my forte.
And this, my friends, is the first reason why I think I’ll be single forever. I do not understand the previous phase to maintain a serious relationship. That moment in which you know that he likes you, and vice versa, but nobody moves tab or if I and let me tell you that men do not like that.
I leave you a minute to assimilate.
At 33 years of age, I have realized that one of my failures (although I prefer to call it a virtue) is that I do not wait for a man to court me. If I like it, I’ll tell you and see what happens. Unfortunately, I have always received the same answers: “My mother, how direct” or “you are a little desperate to find a boyfriend, right?”
And at that moment my head explodes, of course. “You scare them a little,” many friends tell me when I tell them about this type of situation. And I ask: “Should I then fold my arms waiting for him to move the sheet, how, when and where he wants?” “Let’s see, it’s not that, but…” they always try to explain to me. Bingo. It is clear that I have hit the nail on the head. Films, books, social conventions … EVERYTHING!
Everything is designed so that, in romantic matters, they act and we wait.
They are the active subjects and we are the objects. And of course, patience is not one of my virtues, so that’s how it goes.
With all my respect, I do not feel like it. The second factor that I think I will end my days as a single woman is because I do not wear well. Yes, you read well.
A healthy relationship leads to having to reach agreements constantly obvious, on the other hand. From choosing what bread you will buy for dinner to where you will spend the Christmas holidays, any act must be approved by both parties Makes sense. However, most of the relationships that I see around me do not work exactly like that. I am aware that it is impossible to achieve a perfect balance, but I have the feeling that women always give more.
It’s an impression, so I can not 100% sure. And the worst thing is that when I share this perception with my friends who are married or with a partner, none of them confirm it, but neither does it deny it to me. They leave me with the typical true speech also on the other hand that relationships are complicated, that you have to work hard on them… Will their husbands or boyfriends tell their single friends? I doubt it.
Many men (and women) will think that my words are the result of resentment and of having become bitter because of my bad luck in love. I’m not going to take away part of reason. My prospect of falling in love is complicated, I will not deny it.
It is difficult to continue believing in something that was promised easy and charming to us from small when it becomes something loaded with suffering when we reach maturity.
I curse you, Disney. But to these two qualities for which I believe that I am not suitable for love, I have to add one more. In my opinion, the most important of all: I value my independence very much.
And now you will tell me that when you are in a relationship you are still independent. Yes and no, dear ones. I want to continue being the owner of my economy, of my Sundays in the morning, of my summer vacations, of my alone moments… Perhaps it is that for me, to stop doing things alone that I like, to do something that I do not I like it so much but as a couple, it does not fill me in the same way as other people.
I love being together, but I also really enjoy my loneliness
And I have learned to be well with it. “Carmen, there is no room for personal growth bigger than the one that gives you being a couple”, says Cristina, my psychologist, every time we talk about this topic. Reason does not lack. However, here comes the last credit I need to get rid of the love race:
It gives me an infinite fear to change just to try to please another person.
Maybe it’s just about being clear about who I really am. Really. It’s not about me believing that I’m the most exceptional person in the world. The point is that I do not want to become someone that I am not alone for not being alone.
Simply for being loved. Has it been very dramatic? You can, but raise your hand if you do not know more than one case in which a relationship changed a person. Exacto.Y for all this you will see little I think that my destiny is single. But not as a kind of heavy and dreary burden, but as a sign that if one day I leave it will be for someone who really understands and shares all these fears and want to overcome them hand in hand.
And if not, then all so fresh, because absolutely nothing happens.
Will I have to endure the condescending looks of the village aunt? Probably; But nothing more. Because once you discover that you can be perfectly happy alone, that you do not need anyone by your side (that atrocious idea of the average orange) to be complete, there is no one to stop you.
So we vindicate the pleasure of singleness, an alternative as valid as any other.