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Why we must educate our children so they do not hit their children

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Why we must educate our children so they do not hit their children
Why we must educate our children so they do not hit their children

Every time we publish here in Babies and more or in other powerful media, any news or recommendations related to physical abuse or “cheeky or spanking on time” generates a debate, often intense, between parents who have decided educate their children without using these methods and those who defend that it is not so much and that nothing happens either.

The reality is that there are numerous studies that show that no, that really is not a good educational method. The problem is that in many cases, parents do not know how to do otherwise, and between justifying what their parents did (not all are willing to say that their parents could have done better) and running out of ideas (many people he complains if he can not hit his children, because he considers that he does not have a way to educate them), the stench continues in many families.

However, it is our duty to try to do better than our parents did and to educate our children so that in the future they will not beat their children.

To show you why, I have created a dialogue that can perfectly occur between two people who talk about the subject, with different opinions:

  • – How is the youth of today, my mother… with so much nonsense that you can not hit or punish them, and they are getting on the beard.
  • – But the beards were also going up many in our time, man, to see if it is going to turn out that adolescence is now being discovered.
  • – Yeah, but no. Nothing to see Those of now have lost respect to everyone and everything. They think that the world has to turn around and even insult and mistreat parents, and everything I say to you, that you can not even hit them.
  • – But let’s see, what are we talking about? Today’s children, are not they the children of whom we are supposed to be doing so well? If they beat us and punished us and that was so good, why do not we do it with our children?
  • – Well, that’s what I say, we should do it… they beat me too and nothing happened to me. In fact, I even thank my parents, who have made me an educated person with values.
  • – Well, what luck you had, because not everyone finished the same. Do you think that the worst people in the world today were not beaten or punished by their parents? Look, they hit me too and yes, of course I have values ​​and I consider myself an educated person, but I think it would have been too if they had not hit me and if they had not punished me.
  • – Man, that you can not know.
  • – Of course, neither can you know how you would be if they had not.
  • – No, but at least by then we respected the adults. They were different times. No child would think of insulting their parents or not listening to them.
  • – Well, it will be in your case. I did not respect them, I feared them. I was afraid of my father, afraid of teachers, afraid of every adult who raised his voice. So in my case, I can not be very grateful, because I grew up scared.
  • – Come on man, what an exaggeration…
  • – You can not deny me what I felt. Fear of my father. Does it seem logical that a child grows up in fear that his father will hit him or scream if he does something wrong? And no, he did not hit me many times, they were very few, but I remember them all. As a result I was not able to take a step for fear of making a mistake, so I dedicated myself to wait for him to always tell me how to do something. I’m summarizing, of course… not everything was like that, but every time I had to make a complicated decision, I asked him, so he could tell me what was best for me.
  • – Well, but that happened to you, it does not happen to everyone.
  • – Luckily not, but it does happen to many children, who are unable to think what is best for themselves, because they simply wait for parents to tell them what to do. That’s why we can not go back to the authoritarianism of that era… we have to move forward.
  • – Well, if progress is what we do now, often nonsense and often a failure.
  • – Well, yes, but it is our responsibility to try it. It is already known that hitting children is negative because you run the risk of becoming fearful and unable to grow or move forward…
  • – What do you mean by “knowing”?
  • – Well, there are studies that show it.
  • – Studies? Look, there are studies for everything. I do not belive anything. For each study that says one thing, there is another that says another. Also, let those who do the studies and see my children come to my house… What am I supposed to do, sit down and explain to them why they can not stick? Explain with love that you do not have to throw the dishes on the floor? Come on man!!
  • – No, they do not say you have to do that. The negative action you have to always stop, and then when you make the difference. If you hit, not only are you committing a crime, but you are teaching him that physical violence is a good method to teach and get things; In addition, you will be showing him that his father, who should be his guide and model to follow, is capable of hurting him and that that seems fine and normal, that the father seems logical… come on, that way you create distance in the relationship, when the ideal is the opposite, that you have a good relationship so that there is trust and communication.
  • – I mean, what do I have to be your little friend?
    – I have not said that. You have to be his father and being his father is not being a friend. Or it’s not being just a friend.
  • – Look, do what you want. You can already denounce me if you want for the crime that you say I commit, that the police come to me if you want, that I will explain to you that I am only trying to educate my children, to see what they tell me… they stick in the demonstrations!
  • – No, of course I’m not going to report you. Are you comparing me to a policeman with your way of educating your children?
  • – No, do not put in my mouth what I have not said. I’m telling you that I’m sure I’m not going to jail for slapping my children on time.
  • – Well, I suppose not, for not giving one, but if one follows another, and the thing gets serious, it sure is. But this is a failure of the system, which continues to accept that we can “educate” our children by hitting them. Now nobody would think to say that by hitting the woman only once, nothing happens.
  • – Of course something happens. Only a lunatic would hit his wife…
  • – Well, that’s what happens. But many years ago it was normal. If you thought your wife did something wrong, you beat her and that’s it. Now this is a crime and immoral… even if it was not a crime, neither you nor I would.
  • – But you can not compare, I do not have to educate my wife, but my son does.
  • – Before it was considered that the woman also had to educate the husband.
  • – Yeah, but not now. And you have to educate a child always, as many decades ago, as now, as in a hundred years, because they are children. It is not comparable.
  • – No, in that sense no, but if we have managed to see that it is despicable to hit a woman and now it does not seem normal, maybe we can achieve that in a few years hitting a child will be seen the same.
  • – And give it! And how am I supposed to educate them? Anyone is going to tell you the same, that a slap in time solves many problems later.
  • – Anyone who is not educating their children well, yes, or anyone who does not have children yet.
  • – You mean I’m educating my children badly?
  • – No. I’m not going against you. I’m saying that you can educate your children in a different way. We must start from the basis that children are not adults, and as such, still do not understand the world as we understand it. In most cases, what they do is not done to hurt us or with bad intentions. Are you exploring, investigating, testing, learning… or do you think a child paints the wall to make you angry? He only sees a giant white wall and thinks that often more giant canvas has to give free rein to his imagination. It is the parents who have to explain that you can not paint on a wall, but on paper.
  • – Well, yes, but many times they do it with the intention of bothering, that mine do it.
  • – Well then it’s worth evaluating why they do it. Why do they seem to be challenging you? Why do they get angry when they tell you they want something and do not buy it? Why do they give so much value to material things?
  • – Pussy, because they like them… because they know they love them.
  • – Yes, but why do you want them so hard? Could it be that we have accustomed them to it? What have we made them materialists? Because many children need things because in the absence of parents, their parents give them things… that is, many parents can not just spend time with their children, and to show them how much they love them, they buy things for them. If later, when the children get angry, the parents tell them: “Why do you get angry with me, if I always buy you things that you like?”.
  • – Well, but the world works a bit like this…
  • – Sure, but that does not mean it’s okay. That’s not being a father, that’s having money. So you do not earn the respect of your children, so you do not gain the sense of authority. In addition, it is not a harmless behavior either; the children spend the day receiving inputs on the TV of things they should want, then the parents give them away when you meet them, or when we feel like it because we want to get a quick smile and a hug perhaps undeserved, or bring them something I do not know Magical characters who do not know anything but buy them things they want. We make them dependent on the material and then we complain because they ask us for things when they do not touch. But they do not know when they play or when they do not play. In fact, they often do not know how to calculate the value of things. What do they know if we have a lot or little money? How will they know if it’s worth a lot or a little? In reference to what? What is money? For them, what they want is the most important thing in the world at that moment…
  • – And then what, do we buy everything?
  • – No. Then you explain why it can not be, and you try to divert attention to something else, just in case. And if not, there is no choice but to stand by explaining the situation. Hitting him because he cries more and more does not contribute anything to the child, especially when we are partly guilty of his wishes.
  • – Well, if you hit her, stop crying.
  • – And what does he learn? Learn that you have no right to show your anger and frustration. That does not make sense… so valid is happiness as grief, happiness as disappointment. Since we do not know how to talk about negative feelings, we do not know how to express them, we do not dare to open ourselves in that sense because we believe that others will think we are weak, the least is to teach our children to understand when they feel it, and to express it. How many people have problems today because they are not able to say what they feel, and because when they feel bad, they do not dare… that’s how everyone is doing, all responding “Well” to “How is everything?” when they would be willing to count their sorrows for support. I support a hug of those that last a few seconds and nobody says anything. Fuck, the world would be different if we embraced more. But you know, like “Everyone has theirs, so it’s better not to bother”.
  • – That yes, but I repeat: that they behave badly, and sometimes to case done, and it is not always because I do not buy them something. That they stick between them, that they hit me (well, they try, I do not leave them), that they make me stumble…
  • – Well, evaluate why they do it.
    – You mean it’s my fault?
  • – No. Of course it’s not always our fault. They are children! Children are chaotic, they are often inconstant, as soon as they are happy as they are sad, they are hitting another child and after a while they are best friends… they are very difficult to understand! But they are learning and growing, and they are not impassive to what happens around them. If you feel that they are trying to hurt you in some way you could evaluate what your relationship is like. They do not have the tools to express their feelings, nor the anger. That’s why when they are little they stick with their brothers or with other children, because they do not know how to argue and they go to fast.
  • – But then they are children’s things… it’s normal.
  • – Yes, but even if they are children’s things, you have to explain to them that this is not done. Of course they do not know how to talk, but they do not know how to do it, it is not a reason to hit, so we must stop the action, tell them not to hit, because they hurt, and teach them an alternative, which should be the dialogue: “Do not hit him, tell him what happens to you.”
  • – But I hit them, if they’re hitting.
  • – And do you think it makes sense? Does it make sense to tell a child not to hit, to talk, and not to talk to him and hit him?
  • – Not much. But it is that if I do not do it, I do not see him paying attention to me.
  • – Because children do not stop being in two minutes. You will explain it to him and after a while he will surely have forgotten. And the next day I might hit another child again. Well, it’s worth it to avoid parks or places where you can find other children for a while… or be at your side constantly watching, and keep explaining why you should not do it, avoiding the action and leaving if necessary: ​​”Like Whenever we come to the park, we will not come any more.When you think we can go without hurting another child, we will go. ” Surely with 10 years you do not have to go to your son’s side explaining why he does not have to hit.
  • – Let’s see, and what is that about the relationship with me?
    – Well, that, just as they do not know how to talk to children, they do not know how to tell you that they would like you to spend more time with them, for example. How long have you not played with them?
  • – Man, I’m doing something… but I’m hardly at home, and when I’m there, there’s a lot to do… they already play their things.
  • – True. So, more or less we all walk. But that does not mean that they feel or think they deserve more time with you. Maybe all they want is to play more with you, to pay more attention to them.
  • – And that’s why they mess me up?
  • – Can be. Why do we get angry? Why are there those who stop talking? It’s like a punishment for anger, for what the one has done to the other. Well, children do something similar… it’s not that they want to punish you, it’s that they do not know how to do it to make you understand that they need you a little more, or that they need you in a different way.
  • – What do you mean?
  • – That sometimes is not a matter of time, sometimes you are but what they want is that you are otherwise. I do not think that is your case, but there are parents who are but barely educate. They are, but they are very permissive. They let them do what they want, they give them what they ask, they consent, they allow them too much. This when they are babies is fine, but when they grow up a little and their needs are no longer basic things, when the first desires appear, that desire to have I do not know what toy, or what that child has in their hands, or.. and they get it one way or another, a dangerous relationship begins to take shape.
  • – Because they are not putting limits.
  • – That’s. Because those parents flee from authoritarianism, to punish or beat them, as we should all flee, but they do not act as models, but rather they place themselves as benefactors of the child. They hardly teach anything, but only do what the child wants, as if the child knew what is best at all times. And of course, the child ends up “complaining”, and he does so by far exceeding his functions. When the parents wake up in the morning and ask the child what they are going to do that day, and the child decides, and so with everything or almost everything, the parents give their role to the child, and this ends up acting as father and mother. And of course, a child does not know how to be a father or a mother, it is not his function, so he submits them, mistreats them, tells them what to do at all times.
  • – And that’s where I say what a good slap in time…
  • – Sure, but that’s not what the child needs. He is only trying to push them to the limit, press more and more to react, to reach that point where they say “hey, our lives are no longer ours, we have given them to our son”, and to change something.
  • – Take the reins.
  • – That’s right, to make parents, to spend time with your child, to make decisions. Of course children can decide many things, but not all! They are children, their biggest concern has to be play. Play and learn Play and observe. See parents being coherent, logical and having responsible behavior. That they see them interacting with other people, talking to them as adults, and not as children. That’s why parents have to spend time with their children, so they can see us “being”. So that they get drenched in our way of life, and not that nonsense that children do not need to be with their parents more than a little while, if it is of quality.
  • – Oops, but that is said a lot, that children have enough time with parents.
  • – Yes, it says a lot, but no. Let’s see what child it seems good to see his parents just a little while each day. We are the parents who transmit the values. And when we do it, and we do it well, with patience and dialogue, and avoiding conflicts, you do not have to hit them.
  • – I think I follow you…
  • – No need to hit them! It is not necessary, and it is better to avoid it, because you do not want your children to behave well because, if they do something bad, you will hit them. What will happen when you are not there to punish them? If you’re not here to hit them? What you want, what we all want, is that they behave well because they want to be like this… I want my children to be good people because they believe that they should be good people, not because they know that, if they are not, I will to punish. I am not always with them… and a day will come when I will no longer be.
  • – In adolescence, for example.
  • – Exactly. In adolescence I will not be there, and they will have to do with their peer group looking for their identity and place in a time of changes, maturation and conflicts. It is worthwhile that they arrive with our confidence, with a good relationship with us, and not even thinking that if they do not know what we are going to punish them, and that if we catch them we will do them I do not know how many. Because it is enough for them to have that internalized to do so … it is enough for them to think that something is forbidden so that they want to try it or do it.
  • – And then what, better not to ban?
  • – Neither prohibit, nor do not do it. Educate… everything is the same. If you want to do something in adolescence, they will do it, because you will not know about most of what they do, unless they are very fat. So it’s worth educating, dialoguing, having confidence, a good relationship, so that they do not feel the desire to fly like rebels without cause at that time, because they are fed up with their parents and the whole world. This does not guarantee anything, but it’s worth trying to do it right from home, right? Do it well for when they are teenagers and for when they are parents.

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